Of Two Minds

I have clung very tightly to the death of my mother. When she died in 2004, I was still completely bound to her. I had tried, as teenagers do, to find my own identity by pulling away and doing things she didn't want me to. But I never could get very far from her and, when I did, I tried to win her approval anyway. It wasn't until 2012 that I realized I was still waiting for her to come back. Even now, I have not completely comprehended that she won't. I have been told, however, that by letting go of the loss, sometimes we are able to get closer to the memory of our loved ones. I am still not sure I can believe that, either, but the alternative inserts grief and pain into everything I do. Anything that might seem like moving on feels like a betrayal: falling in love, pursuing a graduate degree, trying to be healthy. If I move on and find joy, I've reasoned, my mom might think I don't need her anymore. How can she come back if I don't leave room for her to fil

"I'm sorry," they called out to their family for not calling more. "I'm sorry," they called out to their mother, still dead. "I'm sorry," they called out to students they failed, whether in grade or education. "I'm sorry," they called out to their lovers, past and present. "I'm sorry," they called out to the friends they'd snapped at, the strangers they'd bumped in the street, the people asking for change to whom they'd not given, missed connections they'd failed to write. And then, from the wind, "you can say sorry all you want but you can't make them come back." -- put differently: Every Shitty Thing - Murder City Devils

In some of my friend groups, asking for a new acquaintance's PGPs is commonplace on first encounter -- checking in about PGPs periodically, too. In most other friend groups, "preferred gender pronouns (PGPs)" are a completely strange concept. Given the first group of friends, I am frequently stunned when I meet someone who has never heard of PGPs. Put on the spot, as I often am, I've been giving a lot of impromptu explanations.   I've been refining my brief description: "Acknowledging preferred gender pronouns is important because gender identity is not a visible quality and we should work to speak authentically with and about one another. When someone refers to me as "she" they are not referring to me but of their own preconceived notion of who I am."   I've been automating my grammar response: "We already use 'they' to refer to one person of indeterminate gender. For example, A: 'my friend will meet us at the