Of Two Minds

. putting dirty clothes in laundry bin . drinking water . changing an expired password . taking out the trash . flossing your teeth . tying/untying your shoes . stopping to chat . walking across the kitchen to close a cabinet door . texting back . setting alarm clock . washing coffee mug

My mom has been dead for 9 years. This time of year is always devastatingly hard for me. As early as the beginning of September, when my mom was admitted to the hospital for the last time, until mid-October when she passed away, it is hard to keep my chin up, one could say. The Summer after I graduated from college, I began working with a woman who had lost her husband to cancer a few years earlier. She mentioned that the month around his death was extremely difficult for her and her daughters so they planned as many nurturing activities together as possible. The first few years after my mom died, I was depressed all the time, so it was hard to notice the change. Plus I assumed that it had something to do with how hard it was for me to go back to college every September. But when I met this woman, I was out of school and still Fall came around and I fell apart. It usually starts without me noticing whats going on.  Other people illustrate depression better than I can so I'll ...

He does have incredibly good taste in music. Other than the whole Cave Singers/Fleet Foxes thing and some debate about if Seattle will ever have another Nirvana, we agreed on pretty much everything. Sometimes he would recommend something and I would just think "how is it that you've come to know me so well? or is it just that we're the same, already." --saved at date of writing, published oct 2017

Tree pose, if held long enough, can be either a zen grounding experience or an infuriating exercise in patience.  It's a balancing pose on one leg where the raised foot fixes firmly to the standing leg. Or firm-ish. One thing I really like about yoga is that every studio and every teacher at each class says things slightly differently and puts the focus somewhere different. Sometimes to get into tree pose you move from standing, to shifting your weight to one side, to slowly moving your weightless foot up your standing leg. Other times you raise one knee to waist height and, after you've found balance, you place your raised foot against your standing leg. One thing that is very confusing about yoga is that yoga teachers have a habit of telling you to do things that either a) only very advance students will be able to flirt with or b) are helpful in visualization, but not actually something you will do. A key word to listen for is "maybe." If a yoga teacher says ...

Unlearning To-Do List: Walking/Driving/Biking on the left hand side Saying "Howzit?" instead of "How are you?" Referring to things as "take away" instead of "to go" Avoiding conversation with people on the street Saying "cheers" instead of "bye." (I'm kinda letting this one linger) Interestingly, a lot of my unlearning has to do with living in NYC rather than being in Cape Town. Like being afraid to cross the street, weaving through people at high-speeds, expecting to find make-your-own to-go salads and fresh juice everywhere, and never going out because everything is so far away. Now even my brother is in close proximity. (!!) Finding a job again is a huge pain but I managed to find a part time gig at Fireworks which i LOVE and which leaves room for after school tutoring (both with SMP and, hopefully, a paying math tutoring gig too). It also leaves me room for all the things I said I was going to do with my time...

Before I start, this post began writing on Tuesday or Monday, I believe, but due to an internet failure at the house, no longer working where there is mostly reliable internet, and cafe wifi being abominable, i've only been able to post it just now. And its not the quality of writing i'd really like and due to the rushed nature of borrowing internet it's a little scattered. Act I: A conclusion In the final week, I am home sick and tired. The home sickness is actually helpful because it reminds me that I should make this time count. The tiredness, however, is very much getting in the way. Weather reports are wildly innaccurate more than 24 hours out, though, so i don't really have a sense of what to expect. I still have yet to actually get on Table Mountain. I would love to have a nice long day-hike. Dayhike? Day hike. Initially, I was really reluctant to be upset about being in Cape Town. I mean, I've read so many other people write things about Cape Town ...

Or is it that we just always forget to look for them? A warm shower under a starry sky on a cool night and a promise to myself to be kind, strong, forgiving, and motivated with the hope that I will someday forge the same compassion in my relationship with myself that I have found easily in my relationship with my boyfriend and take for granted in my relationships with my family. Yeah, I guess it has been a good two months.