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i am breaking open.

i am breaking open.

i am breaking open.

my cells ache to break apart. this corporeal manifestation longing to be dust.

i'm not sure how much more i can transmute. a musty filter in a decaying house. i'm not sure how much more i can weather. a dry tree sweating against wild fire.

every bit of my willingness strained to avoid rotting or burning up without any awareness what is in between disassociation and fury.

i want to offer you something to help you keep going. i want to offer you something to help me keep going.

i want to write the words that bring understanding. that invite love. that breed courage. that melt hatred and fear.

i want, with gentleness, the goo of transformation, the digestion of the parts of ourselves that now only wound, that now only inhibit, that we do not need. the transformation of white supremacy and manifest destiny and doctrine of discovery and nationalism and all these confused ideas, naïve misunderstandings of purpose held onto into an adulthood arrived at too soon, in bodies insufficiently wise for the power they hold. transformation into grief and pain that we might heal. transformation into grief and pain that we might heal.

i want to heal. i want you to heal too. i want us all to heal. 

instead, this active violence. 

how do you heal while being attacked? 

how do you heal while attacking?

oh, break open! please, break open! a cast left on too long, our natural capacity for love withering under rancid, ridiculous armor. break open to reveal that soft, vulnerable flesh. humanity unguarded and exposed. may we be so strong as to break open.

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