Of Two Minds

Act I: This is not my beautiful city. Day 3 of officially living in New York. I have found, so far, that as long as I choose to accept New York and everything it is, it continues to accept me and everything I am. As such, I think this will be a divine friendship. Don't get me wrong, I miss Seattle so so much. Every few hours I can't believe how horrible it is that I left my friends and family and home to get another degree. It's not like I was on a dead end track or anything. Listen, I know it's good that I'm back in school and it's totally fine to be far away again, it just seems like such a drain of resources when I could be on the west coast where plane tickets to Phoenix are not so expensive and where I can decide to drive down to see my dad or brother over the weekend. Beyond the existential, NY feels so different. It's too short to be downtown, too residential to be capitol hill, too busy to be SoDo. Not to mention, though they're both in Man...

It's really weird to be back some place i used to spend so much time. I've been much more comfortable than I thought I'd be. While I was here, I was under such a high level of emotional and mental stress that I never really acknowledged that I was okay. Maybe not always happy, but always safe. Walking around the streets of Cambridge, unexpected memories have been flooding back to me. Not even super significant things just this acknowledgement that SO MUCH happened here. Countless life changes. Long opinion-altering conversations. There were so many reasons I would ditch whatever I was doing and go on a long walk. Or so many times over the summer we'd find ourselves trekking it across the city. There are so many restaurants and hole-in-the-wall stores i'd forgot about. So many personalities. So many hidden side-streets and beautifully decaying buildings. I'm glad I had enough time away from this place to be able to appreciate it as a home i had. It is excee...

Today: Family Stuff + Raw Dinner Sunday: Sweet Crafts? + Matt Moves In Monday: Work Stuff Tuesday: Cakearoke at Highline Wednesday: More Sweet Crafts? + More Raw Dinner? Thursday: Helms Alee Friday: Soap Box + House Business Saturday: Soap Box Sunday: ?? Monday: ?? Tuesday: ?? Wednesday: Be Done Packing, PLZ Thursday: Fly to Boston oh geez.

brushing her hair out of her eyes. it's just -- he started -- that sometimes you say things that make me want to raise your children.

I love this city so much. I can't believe I'm already leaving it. I love the view of my apartment. How big the sky is over the Sound. The cool breeze. the music. THE PEOPLE my family my friends my neighbors. all the new folks i've met and will meet in the next few weeks. I'm really not ready to leave. I keep being told it will be here when I get back but two years is so long. I believe in what I'm going to go do and what I'm going to go study. I believe that New York is where I need to do it. I think living there will be an amazing experience. I believe I will grow to love it there too. But I've made a home for myself here. For someone so afraid of commitment I have a real need to nest. And I'm proud of myself for having done so. I could see myself living here right where I am for YEARS. But if I could be doing the work I want to do.... well, wouldn't that just be something?

Today is so weird. I feel so wiggly. But not with energy. I feel like I'm in FIGURE IT OUT boot camp. and i'm struggling struggling against it. I'm in a blanket burrito of change and growth and I HATE it HATE it! so I'm fighting against it but it's rolled so tight I can't get out! and if i would just relax it would be comfortable & nice . And then when I was ready I could unroll myself from my blanket burrito cocoon and then I could wear it like a cape! Or neatly fold it and put it away. And walk with my head held higher and my arms better huggers . But I don't know how/can't/DO NOT WANT TO STOP struggling struggling .

Thank you for attempting to articulate that which is difficult to articulate. I believe you very well may have.