Upcoming Changes

Photo: Sarah Deragon, The Identity Project NY

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of myself. One, because I'm wearing some of my favorite pieces. Two, because the angles make me look tall and skinny and therefore more like a member of my family. Three, because you can't see my chest.

I'm wearing a full length Underworks binder. It was unseasonably hot that day. I had stayed out later than I should have at my friends house the night before. I meant to wear a sweater that really completed the outfit but the heat was sweltering. I was nervous even though Sarah and her crew were encouraging and kind and professional. I knew that the binder was making my discomfort worse but I never considered taking it off.

If you are unfamiliar, binders are articles of clothing that you wear like a bra but, instead of lifting and separating they are meant to safely spread out the mass of your chest to approximate flatness. I do not become flat in binders but, combined with the size of my shirt and the angle of my body, the hot and rigid binder gives the illusion of a flat chest.

The effect is not, I don't think, altogether androgynous. I certainly don't think others would unthinkingly gender me male, despite the spread of my legs or my incredibly stylish bowtie (by Cindy Poole, The Summit). It is probably something to do with my eyebrows that I am not seen as more masculine. My tiny face or upturned nose. Maybe something stereotypical about my floral tattoos.

But it doesn't matter. Whatever my presentation goals are, the dominant feeling I experience when I look at this picture is relief that my chest is imperceptible. Sarah was fantastic to work with and I got several great shots back. I rank them almost exclusively on the visibility of my chest.

I like the way my body looks in a bra. I think I costume myself in feminine ways very well. But it does not compare to the relief I feel when--regardless of the gender of my presentation--I can mask the presence of my chest.

For this and many other reasons, I am having top surgery on May 17th. I am absolutely through the roof about this. Top surgery or "chest masculinization surgery" is sometimes called (and is very similar to) a "double mastectomy." It is a very common procedure for trans* individuals that comes with the regular risks of surgery, primarily related to anesthesia and risk of infection during healing.

I anticipate that my family will have a lot of feelings about this. Feelings are real and valid but I can't promise I'll be extraordinarily receptive to anything other than joy that I am beginning to know myself and finding the strength and love to follow through on my needs. That said, I want you in my life and I would like to know your questions and concerns, even if it is difficult for us. People who aren't particularly close to me at the moment would be so kind to google for answers to any questions this might bring up rather than contacting me directly.