On My PGPs (they/them/their)

In some of my friend groups, asking for a new acquaintance's PGPs is commonplace on first encounter -- checking in about PGPs periodically, too. In most other friend groups, "preferred gender pronouns (PGPs)" are a completely strange concept. Given the first group of friends, I am frequently stunned when I meet someone who has never heard of PGPs. Put on the spot, as I often am, I've been giving a lot of impromptu explanations.

 

I've been refining my brief description: "Acknowledging preferred gender pronouns is important because gender identity is not a visible quality and we should work to speak authentically with and about one another. When someone refers to me as "she" they are not referring to me but of their own preconceived notion of who I am."

 

I've been automating my grammar response: "We already use 'they' to refer to one person of indeterminate gender. For example, A: 'my friend will meet us at the movie' B: 'cool! what time will they get there?' " (Check out : Justin Dennis for her awesome examples and explanations on this issue)

 

But it's taxing to have to validate your existence over and over again to people who just want to play devil's advocate (read: people who have already decided they won't be convinced and haven't considered your emotional response).

 

And that's the thing. When people push me in my identity it's heartbreaking. Not only because it is frustrating and exhausting to me but because it further reinforces how far my one set of friends is from the other. For many in this minority of gender non-conforming people, we have all kinds of shorthands for everything. It's jargon, every discipline has it, it is isolating, but its not an excuse to stop engaging. Furthermore, when its for an underrepresented community, it's a common tongue to quickly identify your siblings, those who won't force you to expose yourself for their intellectual romp through your reality.

 

At any rate, I think people outside of that community see this as some kind of mental barricade to keep up ideas of the mainstream. If you are a heterodox economist, the irony of that statement should be immediately obvious (non economists bare with me for a sec). If you're a heterodox economist and a mainstream economist says to you "yeah, but have you heard of the lucas critique?" The appropriate response is "AUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." This is how I feel when a cisgendered non-ally says, "yeah, but you can be a girl and a tomboy, it's too hard for me to use another pronoun," except in this case, you have not just called into question my way of thought, you have called into question my identity, my sense of self, my place in the world.

 

I am learning to ask for what I need. I am learning to ask for things that make my life easier. I am learning to ask for my dignity to be respected. After a lifetime of conditioning to be the vessel rather than the contents, these things make me nervous; I am terrified of being a burden.

 

Which is why common responses to non-binary preferred gender pronouns are so hard to confront. Which is why I keep shying away for asking for what I need to be my best.  To feel safe. To feel at home.

But after several attempts to come out to different groups of people in different ways, I am finally confident enough to widely declare my PGPs as "they/them." When people refer to me in this non-gendered way, I feel so much less anxiety. In the past, I have asked some to use "he/him." I like these pronouns, too, as it is nice to have my masculine energy acknowledged but, in the end, I am moving forward with "they/them."

 

I won't explain this often but when I am in a group and someone refers to me as "she" it startles me. I feel like I've been caught or put in my place. When someone refers to me as "they," often I don't notice until afterward (when I'm grateful because at this stage it's still uncommon). Do you know what the feeling of not noticing your gender is like? Or can you take it for granted most of the time? When you spend most of the time being acutely aware that you've found just one more way to not fit in, the casual unceremonious acceptance of your gender identity is a joyous sigh of relief.

I am still working on coming out intentionally and in person to more people (professors etc.) but to whoever is reading this, I hereby give you permission to out me via my PGP to whomever. This is of course not your responsibility to do but if you ever find yourself in the position wondering, "I don't know if Alex is out to these people... I don't want to put Alex in an uncomfortable position so I'll just say she," please feel free to shift the position to "... I don't want to put Alex in an uncomfortable position so I'll use their PGP."

And from here on out, I only respond to gender-related questions if you've already done an extensive google search.